


i cant be with you tonight

by all_hail_the_witcher



Category: Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: :(, :/, ?? maybe ??, Angst, Blood, Canon Era, Character Death, Death, Grieving, Hallucinations, Hurt No Comfort, Loss, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Nightmares, Oh, Pain, Shit, Stabbing, The Refuge, and then it is revealed that yes, and yeah, but certainly not canon compliant, but thats another character, but you get like 2.5 seconds of hope where youre like wait did he actually?, from what i remember its a trip tho, he is infact dead, i have not read this fic in over a year, i wrote it for in angst off on tumblr with elliot in august 2018, im going to be honest, implications of an afterlife, in case youre wondering i did not win this angst off, intense death scene, its like weird tho like yeah someone dies, its sad, lots of pain, oh this is canon era, or maybe ghosts, probably others - Freeform, so lets see, vaguely inspired by a sam smith music video but i cant remember which one, wait i cant remember if they're dating or not, who knows - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:41:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25022590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/all_hail_the_witcher/pseuds/all_hail_the_witcher
Summary: Albert is Race's entire life. He would do anything for him. But when Albert makes him promise something, Race finds himself uncharacteristically struggling to keep it.
Relationships: Albert DaSilva/Racetrack Higgins
Comments: 5
Kudos: 17





	i cant be with you tonight

Race was walking back from the Sheepshead when he heard shouts coming from a nearby alley. Hesitantly, he approached the opening and peeked in. 

Race’s stomach dropped out from him. Albert was shoved against the wall of the alley, his lip and nose bleeding, trying desperately to hold his own against Oscar and Morris, who were approaching him menacingly. Morris had his knife out. 

Race threw down his paper bag running toward them. “HEY! LEAVE HIM ALONE!”

Oscar and Morris turned around at the sound of Race’s voice, mischievous smiles playing on their faces. “Is this your little boyfriend, Dasilva? Has he come to save you?” Oscar teased.

Albert ignored him. “Race! What are you doing? Get out of here!”

Race shook his head, biting back tears as he approached the Delanceys. “Not without you!”

Morris gave him a sickenly sweet smile. “Good luck with that,” he snarled, slashing his knife blindly behind him into Albert’s stomach before grabbing his brother and running out of the alley.

Albert’s eyes flew open wide with shock and for one painful moment he made direct eye contact with Race, blood dripping from his shirt onto the dirty street before he collapsed.

“Albie, oh my god, Albie,” Race mumbled as he ran toward his fallen boyfriend on shaky legs. Albert was slumped against the wall, practically choking on his breath, eyelids fluttering dangerously, one hand partially obscuring the gaping wound in his stomach. 

“Hey, hey, baby,” Race rambled, tears dripping down his cheeks. Albert wasn't going to make it. There was too much blood. He was breathing all wrong. They were too far from the house. But he had to try, he had to at least try. “Look at me, look at me, right at me. It’s gonna be okay, everything is going to be okay. I’m gonna get you back to the lodge, Mush is gonna fix you up. Just stay with me, baby, please.” He slid his arms around Albert, trying to lift him.

“No, no, ‘ace,” Albert slurred, wiggling out of Race’s grip. “‘S no use.”

“No, baby, it’s gonna be okay, I promise, just let me get you-”

“‘S not,” Albert said gently, opening his eyes all the way to look up at Race’s tear stricken face. “‘S okay, don’ cry, I ‘ad a good life, I go’ t’ be wit’ you.”

Race pulled Alberts head into his lap, one hand combing gently through his hair and the other firmly grasping Albert’s hand. “I know, I just wish we had more time.”

Albert gave him a pained smile. “We ‘ad all th’ ‘ime we needed.”

Race sniffled as a fresh round of tears filled his eyes. Even in the shadow of death, Albert still managed to be poetic. “I don't know what I’m going to do without you, Albie,” Race sobbed, leaning his head down on Albert’s shoulder. “You’re my everything. Who’s gonna steal my cigars in the morning? Who’s gonna make jokes with me at the gate? Who am I gonna cuddle with after a long day?” Race’s voice cracked as he fisted his hands in Albert’s hair.

“Shhhhh,” Albert whispered, draping one of his arms around Race’s back, he lacked the energy to provide any other comfort. “You’re gonna be fine, ‘ace. Jus’ keep goin’. Don’ cry when ‘m gone. Don’ let me stop you from livin’. ‘ou ‘till b’long ‘ere. Don’ try t’ follow me.”

Race nodded into Albert’s shoulder. What had he done to deserve him? And how was it that he was about to lose him?

Albert shifted, groaning in pain, and Race quickly sat up, murmuring reassurances. Albert reached up and, with some difficulty, removed his hat, letting his red hair spill into Race’s lap. Then he motioned for Race to lean down, and removed Race’s hat, putting his own in its place. “‘ere,” he mumbled, staring up at Race with tears in his eyes, “somethin’ t’ remember me by.”

Race quickly leaned down pressing a kiss to Albert’s lips, which he returned with desperation, suddenly very aware that this would be their last kiss. Fresh tears sprung into Race’s eyes at the thought. “As if I could ever forget you.”

Albert smiled, but it turned into a painful cough, wracking his weak body with sharp movements, blood splattering onto his lips. 

“Shhhhh, shhh it’s okay, it’s okay,” Race soothed, rubbing Albert’s shoulder and squeezing his hand gently. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Te- tell th’ boys I love ‘em,” Albert rasped, his breathing now more irregular, “an’ not t’ miss me too much. An’ all my stuff, me shirts an’ stuff in m’ bunk, I want ya t’ ‘ave ‘em, ‘ace.”

“No, no, I couldn't.” Race continued to rub circles into Albert’s shoulder.

“Please, ‘ace?” Albert asked and Race couldn't say no to the desperation in his eyes. He nodded his head in confirmation. 

Albert’s body was seized by another coughing fit, this one much more violent and intense. His eyes blinked closed several times, making Race’s heart clench. “C’mon, baby, look at me, one last time.”

At the sound of Race’s pleading voice, Albert’s eyes blinked open halfway and he gently squeezed Race’s hand. “I love ya, ‘tonio, don’ firget ‘t,” he mumbled in his barely there voice.

Race leaned down close to Albert, thumbing his fingers through his hair soothingly. “I love you too, Albie. So, so much.”

Albert gave Race one last smile before his eyes fluttered shut and the grip on Race’s hand released.

•••

Race jolted awake with a start, wiping away his tears and forcing himself to take a few deep breaths before dragging himself out of bed and towards the window. Almost as an afterthought, he grabbed Albert’s hat from the end of his bed.

Race climbed up the ladder to the roof to where he knew Jack was sleeping. Crutchie had opted to sleep inside tonight. 

Jack was leaning against the rail, looking out over the city. Race wordlessly wandered over and joined him, his hands toying with the hat in his hands.

After a few minutes, Jack spoke up. “You had the nightmare again?”

“Yeah,” Race whispered. “I don't understand, Jackie, it’s been almost a year, why does it still happen? Why do I have to relive it every night?”

“I don't know, Racer,” Jack sighed, leaning over to place his hand on Race’s. 

“It just makes it worse,” Race continued. “I know he’s gone. I know he’s not coming back. And then, every night I see the whole thing happen again. And then I wake up, and expect it to be a dream, that he’ll be there any second to reassure me that everything’s going to be okay, that he’s okay, but he’s not, Jack. He’s gone. He’s never coming back.” His voice cracked on the last word and he bowed his head in defeat, the cool New York air biting at his tear stained cheeks.

“Truth hurts, doesn’t it?” Jack sighed, putting an arm around Race’s shoulders, holding him gently. Race tensed at first, he didn't like people touching him that much anymore, but then he relaxed into Jack’s embrace.

“I didn't try hard enough to save him,” Race sighed. “I could have brought him back here, we could have at least tried.”

“No, Race,” Jack said gently. “You did what he wanted. You made him comfortable. He just wanted to be with you one last time, and you gave him that.”

“I guess,” Race sighed. “Everything just feels so pointless without him here anymore.”

“He wanted you to keep living, right? That's what you told me?” Jack asked softly.

Race closed his eyes, reciting the words he had told him from memory. “You’re going to be fine, Race. Just keep going. Don’t cry when I’m gone. Don’t let me stop you from living. You still belong here. Don't try to follow me.”

“See,” Jack soothed, “He wants you here. You've done a great job, Race. I don't think I could have been as strong as you've been this past year.”

“It’s so hard though,” Race whispered. “I just want one more day with him. Is that too much to ask?”

Jack rubbed Race’s arms comfortingly. “Sometimes, the universe is a cruel place. You’ll see him again one day. I promise.”

•••

“One day” turned out to be a lot closer than Race had expected. About a month later, he was thrown in the refuge for stealing an apple from a street vendor. It wasn't his fault, he had been hungry and selling had been tough the last year without his partner in crime.

Snyder had locked Race in one of the basement rooms and beat him for mouthing off to a guard. Not that he really cared. He hadn’t cared about what happened to him in almost a year. He didn't have a boyfriend to come home to anymore, so what did it matter. He did stupid stuff, mouthed off to people, got in fights, and this time it had cost him.

Race groaned in pain, his ribs screaming from being kicked down the stairs, his back on fire from the lashes he’d received, and his leg was beginning to go numb, which he didn't think was a good sign. Race tried to keep his eyes open, but the darkness called out to him and it sounded so appealing that he allowed himself to slip away.

•••

When Race awoke he was laying on something - no wait, someone. There was a hand comfortingly stroking his hair and Race leaned into it, sighing in satisfaction. The pain was still there, but it was much duller than before, barely an ache and disappearing by the second. 

“Dammit, Tonio,” a voice said from above him. “Everything was just starting to get better, and then you do this?”

Race sucked in a sharp breath. He’d know that annoyed voice anywhere. But, it couldn't be…

“Albie?” Race spoke the name of his boyfriend for the first time in a year, it felt foreign on his lips and his voice cracked, almost as if he had forgotten what it was like to be someone’s everything.

“Yes, Race, I’m here,” Albert said soothingly. 

Race hesitantly opened his eyes, crying tears of happiness when he saw Albert’s face above him. He looked just as Race remembered, messy reddish hair, warm brown eyes, lightly freckled skin, glorious smile. He was wearing the same clothes as the last time Race had seen him, less the hat, which was firmly jammed on Race’s head. He even smelled the same, like freshly printed papers, and new york city, and lingering cigar smoke.

“I- but- you’re, you’re dead,” Race stuttered. “Does that mean I’m dead too?”

“Not quite yet,” Albert said, running his hand gently over Race’s face. “You’re getting there, though.”

Race lifted himself up slightly, looking around. “Where are we? This isn’t the refuge.”

Albert pushed him gently back down so his head was resting in his lap once again. “Shhh, stay down, okay? You’re hurt real bad, don't want it to get worse.” He paused. “We’re on the roof of the lodging house. I usually hang around you guys, its where I’m the strongest.”

“What do you mean?” Race asked, picking up Albert’s hand and holding it tightly. The pain in his back was beginning to return and he needed something to hold onto.

Albert gave him a soft smile. “I’m still around Race. I follow you when you go out selling every day, I’m standing right next to you when you're betting at the Sheepshead, I sleep next to you in the lodge every night. I’m always there when you wake up from that nightmare. And I wish I could comfort you, I really do,” he paused, sniffling, “It’s so hard to see you in pain, because of me.”

“You didn't do anything wrong, Al,” Race whispered. “Don't beat yourself up over this.”

Albert smiled slightly. “I told you not to cry over me when I was gone. And you still did.” 

Race felt tears coming on. “It was hard not to, you were my everything. Heck, you still are my everything.”

“I know, I know,” Albert sighed. “But you were doing so good, Racey. So, so good. And then this happened. I told you to keep living, right?”

Race squeezed Albert’s hand tightly, repeating the words from that fateful day. “You’re going to be fine, Race. Just keep going. Don’t cry when I’m gone. Don’t let me stop you from living. You still belong here. Don't try to follow me.”

“And look, you tried to follow me,” Albert paused. “You never used to be that careless Race, what were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t.” Race winced, more pain shooting through his back and across his ribs.

Albert noticed immediately. “Baby? What is it? Talk to me, Tonio.” He stared at Race with a look of concern.

“Hurts,” Race said through gritted teeth.

Albert looked at him sadly before getting a far off expression on his face. “Jack’s pulling you out from the refuge,” he whispered.

“What?” Race’s face contorted in pain as he shifted in Albert’s lap.

“In the real world,” Albert looked down at Race, “Jack just rescued you from the refuge. He’s bringing you back to the house right now. If- if you're feeling pain, that means that you're going to make it.”

“What does that mean?” Race asked shakily, needing to hear it from Albert.

“You can’t stay here with me,” Albert whispered, his eyes filling with tears. “You have to back.”

Race felt his own tears spilling over. “But I wanna stay here with you,” he protested. “I just got you back, I can’t lose you again.”

“Shhhhhh,” Albert soothed, leaning down and pressing a gently kiss to Race’s lips. Race kissed him back desperately, trying to memorize the feeling of his lips, the way he tasted, everything. “You're getting a second chance, Antonio,” Albert whispered. “Aren’t you happy?”

“No,” Race wheezed, the pain was really setting in now. “I want to be with you. I can’t be without you, Albie. It nearly killed me when you died. I had to carry you back to the house, I had to explain to the boys what happened. I had to go to bed that night, knowing that you wouldn’t be there when I woke up. I had to keep living without my second half. I can’t go through that again, Albie. Let me stay with you, please,” he begged, clutching Albert’s hand as if he might disappear any second, which judging from his flickering, fading image was a high possibility. 

“Tonio, listen to me, baby,” Albert said softly, tears clogging his voice. “You belong on Earth, living. You mean so much to all those boys down there, they’re all so worried about you. I can see it right now, Jack just put you on your bunk, Mush is pulling off you shirt, starting to clean your back. He’s crying. Romeo is hovering by the corner, and Specs is holding him back from jumping on you. Behind him is JoJo and Blink and Henry and Tommy Boy and everyone else. They’re all trying to hold it together. Elmer just ran out to go get Davey. They care about you, baby, they really do. They’ve already lost me, I don't want them to lose you too.”

“But I don't want to lose you,” Race sobbed. “Can’t I just have five more minutes? Is that too much to ask?”

Albert looked at him sadly, shaking his head. “No, Tonio, you have to go back. Don't try to follow me again. You're going to have a nice, long life. Don't rush it just to get back to me.”

Race’s vision blurred from his tears and the blinding pain that was becoming more intense every second. “Will I ever see you again?”

Albert nodded. “One day, I promise, Antonio, I’m not going anywhere.”

Race stared up at Albert’s fading image. “I don't want you to go,” he whispered in a pained, broken voice.

“Shhhhhh, just concentrate on living for me, okay baby?” Albert soothed, rubbing his hand through Races hair.

Race nodded weakly, his eyes began to flutter and he forced them to stay open.

“Tell the boys hello for me,” Albert whispered. “I love you, Antonio, don’t forget it.”

Race almost laughed at the irony as he stared up at the love of his life one final time. “I love you too, Albie,” he managed to choke out. “So, so much.” Then his eyes slipped closed.

•••

The next thing Race knew, he was laying on a soft bed, muted voices surrounding him. He let out a pained groan. Immediately, the voices subsided.

“Race?” 

Race cracked open his eye to see Jack kneeling next to his bed, Mush, Romeo, Specs, Blink, JoJo, Henry, Elmer, Crutchie, Tommy Boy and Davey all standing behind him, holding their breath. 

Tears were flooding Race’s eyes before he could even stop them and he shoved his head into his pillow, reaching one hand up blindly to feel for Albert’s cap which was still on his head.

“Whoa, hey, Race, its okay, you're okay, were at the lodge, everything's gonna be fine,” Jack soothed.

“I saw him, Jack” Race sobbed. “I saw Albert. He was okay. He talked to me. He-” Race gasped. “He sent me back here, told me to keep living.”

“Its okay, Race, its okay,” Jack rubbed his hand through Race’s hair.

Race let out another sob. Albert was wrong. He couldn't keep living without him. He wanted to be where Albert was. But he’d lost his chance. Now all he could do was wait and hope the wait wouldn’t be too long.

**Author's Note:**

> so that was sad. comments and kudos are always appreciated ! find me on tumblr -> @suddenly-im-respecsable


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